i had to work a very long day today so that my other kids, my 11-14 year olds, could put on an end-of-the-year performance for their parents. that meant working until around 8:30, 2 hours past adah's bedtime. in the past when i've had work situations that require me to work at night without pay (no resentment here), we've given adah plenty of advance notice, and let her know that maddy would be putting her to bed. anne was, on several different occasions, absolutely positive that she'd be able to get her to sleep without nursing, but when i came home, the first thing i saw out our living room window was a very cute little face peeking out. she resisted and won. there was no going to sleep without boobs.
so, in short, i have put adah to sleep, literally, for the past 807 days in a row, since the day she was born. i have, on occasion, felt very oppressed by this fact, and have felt jealous of my other mama friends who were able to hand off the kid off to another loving adult, and the next thing they knew, the kid didn't wake up until morning. what freedom! what luxury!
what heartbreak.
even though i've been quizzing adah over the past few days with, "what's going to be different about going to bed tomorrow?" and she'd reply, "maddy's puttin' me to sleep and we're gonna read books and have almond milk!", i really did expect to pull up and find her wired tired, looking out the window for her mama. but when i called home after the event, anne told me that yes indeed, she was asleep. what?! how is that possible?
if tonight was hard for me, i can't even imagine the feelings of loss and sadness that accompanies the real stuff of growing up. tonight i just had to be content with the last part of our bedtime routine-- going in and covering up her toes before i fall into bed myself.
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