Thinking About Bonnie Tinker by Lisa Sinnett
There's a kaleidoscope in the conservatory where I’ve stopped with my daughters. There’s a circular bed of sand with sticks and rocks, and above, the lenses and mirrors. We shift the sand around and look, and each time the picture is different. If you look deep inside a kaleidoscope, what you see is the ocean of patterns of light, surrounded by a rim of darkness, curving away like night falling.
Trying to write about Bonnie Tinker is kind of like this. The ways in which Bonnie touched people’s lives are complex, shifting and beautiful.I first met Bonnie the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns talent show fundraiser at our Quaker Conference. She was standing on her head in between acts to raise money—we connected somewhere in between a twenty-dollar bill and a bright pair of socks.
I didn’t know she’d had such a far-reaching effect on the world back then—At the conference, I came to know her as an amazing workshop-leading, music-loving, peace-activist luminary, and I needed what Bonnie and others in this fellowship believed at their very core: “We are learning that radical inclusion and radical love bring further light… Our experience with oppression in our own lives leads us to seek ways to bring our witness to bear in the struggles of other oppressed peoples.”As I learned about her life, I would understand her beliefs more deeply As the roots that nourished her work as the Executive Director of Love Makes A Family, Inc.—the racially diverse group of sexual minorities and their allies in Oregon and Southwest Washington that came together to oppose anti-gay ballot measures in Oregon, and to accompany others who are doing the same kind of activism across our country.
With her wife, Sara Graham, Bonnie raised three kids—Alex, Josh, and Connie. A member of Multnomah Friends Meeting in Portland, Oregon, and of Seriously P.O.’d Grannies, she developed the LARA method for non-violent conflict resolution based on Gandhi’s principles. The Founder and Executive Director of Love Makes A Family, Inc., she also founded the oldest domestic violence shelter on the West Coast--Portland's Bradley Angle House, which is still in operation. Her family was the victor in a well-known Supreme Court case that set the precedent for free speech in schools—Tinker vs. Des Moines School District ruled students could protest war in school.
Love Makes a Family “seeks to provide a public voice for all families, especially for those subjected to social, economic and legal discrimination due to sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.”
Feeling this acceptance through Bonnie’s presence and work helped me to set down a mask that I had been forced to wear my whole life without knowing why. My mother knew that she was gay when she was a high school student in her rural Michigan school, but growing up, we never knew.
She told me: “I was married in 1959. We were told to be loyal to God and country.” The thought of acting on her feelings with her girlfriends? “Dangerous.” I asked her about this, but she became silent. “There was a girl. Two girls. People suspected them of being gay.” She was silent for a long time. “I thought one of them committed suicide.”
That was the secret about our family—and it was like we were in the Witness Protection Program. Everything felt tentative, like we were playacting for a program about a family instead of being a family, but not knowing what we were upholding or why. We had activity, but no intimacy. How can there be intimacy when one person in the family has had to sacrifice her identity in order to survive? Everyone was deeply affected by this. We had the burden of being her unwitting jailers—yet we were her protectors, too. And we didn’t know any of it until mom came out to us when she was in her fifties.
I am thankful to Bonnie Tinker and to all the other activists who are opening spaces for families, and liberating people like my mother, who I am finally getting to know.
Many people have written or spoken about Bonnie and her wife Sara Graham’s journey facing discrimination and obstacles during their decades together. Bonnie worked for full inclusion for same sex unions, not only domestic partnerships.
In Bonnie’s own words. “The M word matters. It confers social standing. It confers social acceptance. Marriage confers legitimacy. Our children will be declared legitimate. Marriage is about families taking our place in society with full respect.”
But there is still work to be done.
If you ever met Bonnie in person, you would see how much she sought to understand other people’s perspectives, and promote the common ground that we share. If you could hear her calling on the Spirit of Tinkerbell to impeach George Bush, or if you could see her getting arrested with the Seriously Pissed Off Grannies, you’d know what a surprising, memorable, and creative human being she was.
She was killed in early July in Virginia, where she was attending a Quaker conference, when a Mack truck turned in front of the bicycle she was riding and ran her over.
I think of Bonnie’s way of being in the world now and I remember something that her younger brother Paul said once. He said, “I want to have eyes like bees, and see the world from all the different facets.” Bees see the world complete, one perspective at a time. Bees see colors we don’t see. They see sunbursts of blue and red where we see only white.Thank you, Bonnie, for helping us to open our eyes and see the world a little bigger.
We’ll miss you.
With Love,
Lisa Anne Sinnett
Detroit, Michigan
Trying to write about Bonnie Tinker is kind of like this. The ways in which Bonnie touched people’s lives are complex, shifting and beautiful.I first met Bonnie the Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Concerns talent show fundraiser at our Quaker Conference. She was standing on her head in between acts to raise money—we connected somewhere in between a twenty-dollar bill and a bright pair of socks.
I didn’t know she’d had such a far-reaching effect on the world back then—At the conference, I came to know her as an amazing workshop-leading, music-loving, peace-activist luminary, and I needed what Bonnie and others in this fellowship believed at their very core: “We are learning that radical inclusion and radical love bring further light… Our experience with oppression in our own lives leads us to seek ways to bring our witness to bear in the struggles of other oppressed peoples.”As I learned about her life, I would understand her beliefs more deeply As the roots that nourished her work as the Executive Director of Love Makes A Family, Inc.—the racially diverse group of sexual minorities and their allies in Oregon and Southwest Washington that came together to oppose anti-gay ballot measures in Oregon, and to accompany others who are doing the same kind of activism across our country.
With her wife, Sara Graham, Bonnie raised three kids—Alex, Josh, and Connie. A member of Multnomah Friends Meeting in Portland, Oregon, and of Seriously P.O.’d Grannies, she developed the LARA method for non-violent conflict resolution based on Gandhi’s principles. The Founder and Executive Director of Love Makes A Family, Inc., she also founded the oldest domestic violence shelter on the West Coast--Portland's Bradley Angle House, which is still in operation. Her family was the victor in a well-known Supreme Court case that set the precedent for free speech in schools—Tinker vs. Des Moines School District ruled students could protest war in school.
Love Makes a Family “seeks to provide a public voice for all families, especially for those subjected to social, economic and legal discrimination due to sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.”
Feeling this acceptance through Bonnie’s presence and work helped me to set down a mask that I had been forced to wear my whole life without knowing why. My mother knew that she was gay when she was a high school student in her rural Michigan school, but growing up, we never knew.
She told me: “I was married in 1959. We were told to be loyal to God and country.” The thought of acting on her feelings with her girlfriends? “Dangerous.” I asked her about this, but she became silent. “There was a girl. Two girls. People suspected them of being gay.” She was silent for a long time. “I thought one of them committed suicide.”
That was the secret about our family—and it was like we were in the Witness Protection Program. Everything felt tentative, like we were playacting for a program about a family instead of being a family, but not knowing what we were upholding or why. We had activity, but no intimacy. How can there be intimacy when one person in the family has had to sacrifice her identity in order to survive? Everyone was deeply affected by this. We had the burden of being her unwitting jailers—yet we were her protectors, too. And we didn’t know any of it until mom came out to us when she was in her fifties.
I am thankful to Bonnie Tinker and to all the other activists who are opening spaces for families, and liberating people like my mother, who I am finally getting to know.
Many people have written or spoken about Bonnie and her wife Sara Graham’s journey facing discrimination and obstacles during their decades together. Bonnie worked for full inclusion for same sex unions, not only domestic partnerships.
In Bonnie’s own words. “The M word matters. It confers social standing. It confers social acceptance. Marriage confers legitimacy. Our children will be declared legitimate. Marriage is about families taking our place in society with full respect.”
But there is still work to be done.
If you ever met Bonnie in person, you would see how much she sought to understand other people’s perspectives, and promote the common ground that we share. If you could hear her calling on the Spirit of Tinkerbell to impeach George Bush, or if you could see her getting arrested with the Seriously Pissed Off Grannies, you’d know what a surprising, memorable, and creative human being she was.
She was killed in early July in Virginia, where she was attending a Quaker conference, when a Mack truck turned in front of the bicycle she was riding and ran her over.
I think of Bonnie’s way of being in the world now and I remember something that her younger brother Paul said once. He said, “I want to have eyes like bees, and see the world from all the different facets.” Bees see the world complete, one perspective at a time. Bees see colors we don’t see. They see sunbursts of blue and red where we see only white.Thank you, Bonnie, for helping us to open our eyes and see the world a little bigger.
We’ll miss you.
With Love,
Lisa Anne Sinnett
Detroit, Michigan
this and that
the transition from home to work (for me) and home to school (for bug) has been a pretty good one, actually. there was the expected first few days of holy terror in the morning, but those simmered down at the end of the first week after adah privately pulled my mom to the side for this confession: "actually, i really like school." the past two mornings have been much more calm and uncluttered by the nervous outbursts of "i don't want to go to school!" i think she's decided to reserve that phrase now for middle school, which is understandable.
i'm so comforted by the fact that today we welcomed fall. summer clearly wants to stay, but i'm ready to let go, and this season is perfect for that symbolic gesture. i'm ready for a slower pace-- afternoons with my family in front of the wood stove, rainy day walks, lots of baking, and long baths, in particular. and i'm going to learn how to embroider, dammit. so we're sending away summer by collecting early fall treasures and eating dinner outside on blankets for as long as we can stand it. so entirely exquisite:
my girls waiting for dinner last night. the crowd went wild for sandwiches. note to self: keep it simple.
while we were eating i mentioned that i was going to call grandma sara to see how she was doing and adah's response was, "you mean without grandma bonnie?" i meant in general, but that, too. the kid's brain is amazing. she proceeded to ask questions like, "where did grandma bonnie and grandma sara meet? and "how did they start to live in the brown house? "she thinks about that woman a lot. seriously comes up in a couple different conversations per day. sigh. people say that kids don't remember things until they're four or five. i'm hoping they're wrong, and she'll always have a sense of bonnie.
and speaking of middle school, oh how i'm enjoying the outward energy and silliness required to keep those kids entertained and learning. i'm pleased to report that two weeks into the school year, i'm still in a honeymoon phase. and have i mentioned what a blessing in disguise this almost-back-to-full-time -work has been? frankly, i had a terrible experience teaching part-time the last few years. i was grateful to have extra time with adah in the afternoons, but i felt so entirely shitty about my work. i only got to see 1/4 of the school, and i felt less committed and motivated than i ever have. there's a lot to be said about staying for almost the entire day and getting to see the kids in the classroom and at breaks, recess, lunch, etc., that forms a whole new 
relationship and fosters a totally different level of engagement. i also get to talk more with my peers, which is energy-giving in itself, and my paycheck is much easier to look at. benefits all around.
relationship and fosters a totally different level of engagement. i also get to talk more with my peers, which is energy-giving in itself, and my paycheck is much easier to look at. benefits all around. what else? seul! seul, our favorite housemate evah, had to go back to korea, so we had to eat pie and wish her the best and say goodbye. bummer. does anyone know anyone who might like to marry her? fraudulent green card marriages are only punishable by up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine.
i'm so comforted by the fact that today we welcomed fall. summer clearly wants to stay, but i'm ready to let go, and this season is perfect for that symbolic gesture. i'm ready for a slower pace-- afternoons with my family in front of the wood stove, rainy day walks, lots of baking, and long baths, in particular. and i'm going to learn how to embroider, dammit. so we're sending away summer by collecting early fall treasures and eating dinner outside on blankets for as long as we can stand it. so entirely exquisite:
my girls waiting for dinner last night. the crowd went wild for sandwiches. note to self: keep it simple. tonight anne's away in seaside receiving a work award for her excellence, so here's a sweet view of bug waiting for her macaroni and cheese with broccoli:
while we were eating i mentioned that i was going to call grandma sara to see how she was doing and adah's response was, "you mean without grandma bonnie?" i meant in general, but that, too. the kid's brain is amazing. she proceeded to ask questions like, "where did grandma bonnie and grandma sara meet? and "how did they start to live in the brown house? "she thinks about that woman a lot. seriously comes up in a couple different conversations per day. sigh. people say that kids don't remember things until they're four or five. i'm hoping they're wrong, and she'll always have a sense of bonnie.on a brighter note, here's the little one procrastinating on coming indoors for bedtime, pretending that she was going to sleep on the porch.
i like her.
adah's first day of preschool, but not really
so last week bug had her preschool home visit, which was absolutely sweet. one of her teachers came over to play for a little while and brought her a magic rock that has a glistening line through it when you face it towards a window. we've been getting her ready for this day for weeks: her first day of socialist indoctrination, otherwise known as "preschool" in this country. anne took the day off work and i had a fellow teacher cover for me so i could attend the open house this morning. the plan was for us to stay from 9-11 and then leave the kid there until 3:00.a little before 11 i started to warn bug that we'd be leaving in ten minutes or so, and asked her what fun things would she like to show me before then. some crying ensued, and some "i want to see exactly where you go." one of the teachers overheard my transition talk and asked, "do you think school starts today?"
um, yeah.
turns out this reading teacher didn't actually read the calendar correctly and we've been preparing the kiddo for the first day of school that really wasn't. we also learned that there is no school on friday either, so would anyone like to babysit?
oops.
adios, summer!
this was my first week back at work, and with the immense separation anxiety the bug has displayed throughout the summer, i wasn't sure she'd let me go. but you know what happened? she said, "bye mom, have a nice day. i love you!" and then began working on a puzzle with her dad.
what a dear. she's been somewhere different almost every day this week, and she's been handling this transition really well. in the last several days she's spent time with alex and laura, my mom, grandma sara, and janet. i pulled up to the westwood's this afternoon and there was janet and bug, picnicking on the front lawn with apples and a nut bar, sitting amongst lots of bandaged dolls with various ailments. janet won adah's heart, and i think it was mutual. i feel so fortunate to have such a loving and supportive community around us.
i also feel pretty blessed and privileged to have a job outside the home. not just because of the the soaring unemployment in oregon, but because over the past couple months i have been explicably aching for... something else. specifically, more time, more freedom, maybe some motivation outside of the culinary arts-- some activities in which i can stretch my brain a bit. i have absolutely loved my summer with the little one, and i also loved getting into my car last monday morning, going somewhere ALONE, and arriving at work and getting to think and plan all day for my incoming other little people. i'm excited about the upcoming school year, and feel challenged, motivated, and appreciative of my schedule.
i love the variety and complexity and independence that is staring at me in the face.
what a dear. she's been somewhere different almost every day this week, and she's been handling this transition really well. in the last several days she's spent time with alex and laura, my mom, grandma sara, and janet. i pulled up to the westwood's this afternoon and there was janet and bug, picnicking on the front lawn with apples and a nut bar, sitting amongst lots of bandaged dolls with various ailments. janet won adah's heart, and i think it was mutual. i feel so fortunate to have such a loving and supportive community around us.
i also feel pretty blessed and privileged to have a job outside the home. not just because of the the soaring unemployment in oregon, but because over the past couple months i have been explicably aching for... something else. specifically, more time, more freedom, maybe some motivation outside of the culinary arts-- some activities in which i can stretch my brain a bit. i have absolutely loved my summer with the little one, and i also loved getting into my car last monday morning, going somewhere ALONE, and arriving at work and getting to think and plan all day for my incoming other little people. i'm excited about the upcoming school year, and feel challenged, motivated, and appreciative of my schedule.
i love the variety and complexity and independence that is staring at me in the face.
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