mama's sad. the kid is growing up (5/28/08)

i had to work a very long day today so that my other kids, my 11-14 year olds, could put on an end-of-the-year performance for their parents. that meant working until around 8:30, 2 hours past adah's bedtime. in the past when i've had work situations that require me to work at night without pay (no resentment here), we've given adah plenty of advance notice, and let her know that maddy would be putting her to bed. anne was, on several different occasions, absolutely positive that she'd be able to get her to sleep without nursing, but when i came home, the first thing i saw out our living room window was a very cute little face peeking out. she resisted and won. there was no going to sleep without boobs.

so, in short, i have put adah to sleep, literally, for the past 807 days in a row, since the day she was born. i have, on occasion, felt very oppressed by this fact, and have felt jealous of my other mama friends who were able to hand off the kid off to another loving adult, and the next thing they knew, the kid didn't wake up until morning. what freedom! what luxury!

what heartbreak.

even though i've been quizzing adah over the past few days with, "what's going to be different about going to bed tomorrow?" and she'd reply, "maddy's puttin' me to sleep and we're gonna read books and have almond milk!", i really did expect to pull up and find her wired tired, looking out the window for her mama. but when i called home after the event, anne told me that yes indeed, she was asleep. what?! how is that possible?

if tonight was hard for me, i can't even imagine the feelings of loss and sadness that accompanies the real stuff of growing up. tonight i just had to be content with the last part of our bedtime routine-- going in and covering up her toes before i fall into bed myself.

country fever

we spent this past weekend in joseph, oregon, visiting anne's mom, who is sick with cancer. it's a truism that we have a lot to learn from the dying, and betty is an amazing example of that. as a tumor grows steadily in her stomach, she sets goals for living: first it was to stay alive for the huge family reunion last september, then to see her christmas tree decorated with birds and heirlooms. recently she's been waiting for irises. "it's the little things," she says.

i want to live like that. wide-eyed and awake. seriously attentive to the little things.

but houston, we have a problem.

i think it's hard to see small in a city, and i have cemented my life in one. in short, i find it hard, with all the traffic and the noise, to hear the crickets. for years i've known that, despite my undying affection for indian food and OUT queers, that i am not a city girl, but i haven't really found the yellow springs, ohio of the pacific northwest, so where exactly would i go? don't say eugene because that's way too big, and ashland is too california and no, i've never been to port townsend. bainbridge? port angeles?

what i need is a town fairly close to the ocean that has a population no more than 2,000 people, a raging farmers market, progressive thinking people inclusive of the non-white variety, a great restaurant or two, some other visible queer folks. it also would be great if this town was a stop on the underground railroad, had lots of non-gallery arts presence, and a group of counter culture catholics, perhaps. is that too much to ask? i want the slow, sustainable life. the bread baking, year-round-harvesting life, the life with unlocked doors and croaking toad lullabies. also, i want wendell berry-like neighbors. any suggestions?

kaiser hates us, and so does the pharmaceutical industry and the cdc

today a letter arrived from kaiser, addressed to adah. i knew it probably wasn't a sticker of appreciation for her heroics last week at the doctor's office, where she had to sit on the floor and color when i was told that a.) it was 97% likely that I had skin cancer and b.) i may as well get a shot of local anestethic in my foot in preparation for removing a herrendous in-grown toenail. afterwards, even though adah was on the verge of having a terrifically needy moment, and doesn't like to walk far these days (and did i mention that she also will NOT ride in a stroller or in a carrier on my back?) she walked all the way to the car, 3 parking lots over, all by herself, as i hobbled around with my foot stuffed in a ziploc bag.

back to the letter in side the envelope. it says,

"To the Parents of Adah Crandall: Our records show that Adah is due for a well child check-up and the following immunizations: DTaP, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Polio, Pneumococcal, HIB, MMR, and Chickenpox. You can schedule an appointment by calling..."" blahblahblahblahblah.
no thank you. we'll pass on the "standard" side effects (many of them severe), the aluminum and formaldehyde additives (not to mention the monkey kidney cells and fetal cow blood), and the assault on the developing immune system in general... we'll pass. you know, to keep her well.

patron saint of breastfeeding:

jiang xiaojuan, an ordinary civilian policewoman, responding to the the relief efforts by breastfeeding EIGHT babies! she has been nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and are too traumatized to give milk, as well as five orphans. a newspaper in chengdu, the capital of quake-hit sichuan province, devoted a special page to the 29-year-old woman, calling her a “hero.” isn't that wonderful? thank you, jiang...

preventing nature deficit disorder

anniversary at the ocean

last year, after submitting a piece of writing about why i love to teach at the particular place where i work, i won a $675 gift certificate for a spa/resort at the coast. it wasn't because the writing was spectacular or anything, it just got me entered into a raffle, which i won, to my dismay. i've only won one other thing in my life, and it was after crossing my fingers at an elementary school assembly in which they showed us a real live smoker's lung. i won a boom box that day, and complained about having to carry it home, because it was also the year that i insisted on playing saxophone, the heaviest instrument in the band, and the most awkward to carry. it was just too much with my new sound system.

anyway, our trip was wonderful. we actually used the gift certificate on two different trips, so after 2 nights' stay, breakfast in bed times two, and all other meals, our total bill at check out was $2.49. i swear to god.

before i post the random highlights from the trip, you have to see this video of adah last july, in which she is happily squealing:

she was definitely more apprehensive of the ocean this time around, but still had a great time:

this just in, from anne:

As my sweet hands me the computer and asks if I want to write the next new blog entry, she starts recalling the memorable details, but my mind is on fire with my own.

I think one of the highlights of the trip had to be the kite adventure. I deliberately left it in the car because, I’m sad to admit it, but I haven’t flown a kite for over 30 years and never have flown a store-bought version before. (We used to assemble them from newspapers and sticks, and we bought string for a nickel.) I must say I was greatly intimidated by this huge nylon kite with a 6’ tail and a huge, (very not-butch) multi-colored butterfly illustration on it. Later Adah noticed the missing kite and said, “Maddy get kite,” quickly followed by “ Maddy AND Adah get kite.” I realized it would take about an hour to walk the block back to the car with her, so I diverted her attention to her mama while I ran for the colorful creation. I got it back and had Megan hold the directions for me so they didn’t blow away. Adah was super excited and was piling handfuls of sand on it saying, “Adah hold it, Adah hold it!” Fortunately, it was only a matter of installing 2 cross members, untying the tail and attaching the string, dumping the sand off of it, and prying it loose from Adah’s little hands. I got it air-born for about 15 seconds with Megan in the background reading the instructions in a very serious voice: “Stand with the wind to your back” and Adah hollering repeatedly, “Adah hold it, Adah hold it” Rather quickly the kite crashed, causing one of those cross-members to shatter, ending the adventure with an amazing finality. Surprisingly, this caused no protests from either one of the family members. We tucked the kite back into its package and left the beach a little worn, only stopping twice on the way home: once for a couple of huge gourmet ding-dongs from the Rockfish Bakery, and at the Pronto Pup, a roadside stand that serves the world’s worst corn dogs.

my tomato! adventures in gardening, part I

the weather here has been one giant mood swing. we planted our first batch of seeds and then the ground promptly froze. this, in conjunction with the fact that after showing the kid how to dig a tiny trench, we gave her a spattering of minuscule seeds and basically said go for it. (actually let me clarify: i’m the one who chose to do that, because i am the lackadaisical gardener in the family, unlike my favorite virgo counterpart, who is very systematic when it comes to these things.) at any rate, the weather, and our system, if you could call it that, led to some doubts that anything would actually grow.

some things have actually sprouted up, but they’re potentially weeds. it’s too early to tell, except for the two sprouting onions, and the tiniest pronouncement of spinach, which bugs have already started to eat. because we tend not to have beer around (that's a different story) for the slugs to get drunk on and die from, we use egg shells to prevent the garden pests from assaulting our food. a few days ago anne apparently left adah to her own sprinkling devices while she watered the dahlia’s, and as a result, one of our garden beds looks like mt.eggshell in december:

we recently went to plant some more seeds because we were worried that weeds were the most predominant species in the beds. anne said, “okay, so where have you planted things?” to which i replied, “i have no clue!” she loved this. this is why, if I won the lottery, (i am channeling my mother here) i would start with dozens and dozens of starts: pleasingly immediate, and only a tiny bit less magical.